Cocky Bridge Builders

"These babies don't break."



"..."

Scaredy Cat Kevin

"[Climate change is] the great moral, environmental and economic challenge of our age." Rudd address to the Brookings Institution, Apr 2007.

(… “moral” …)

"Australia needs new leadership on climate change." Rudd address to the National Press Club, Nov 2007.

(… “new leadership” …)

"Scientists – including the CSIRO – are telling us that Australia must achieve emissions reductions of 60 per cent by 2050 if we are to avert the significant economic consequences of dangerous climate change. These reductions can be achieved while maintaining strong economic growth." ALP renewable energy policy statement, Nov 2007.

(… 60% by 2050 …)

"Unless we take decisive action to tackle climate change and cut greenhouse gas emissions now, the future health of the Great Barrier Reef will be at serious risk." ALP reef rescue plan, Nov 2007.

(… “decisive” …)

"We share a vision for an ambitious, equitable, environmentally effective, economically responsible post-2012 global agreement on climate change and will work together to this end – drawing on our complementary regional and global relationships." Rudd address to the London School of Economics, Apr 2008.

(… “ambitious” …)

"Today, this generation - our generation - stands at the crossroads of history." Rudd address to the National Press Club, Dec 15 2008.

(… 5 pathetic per cent …)

Kerry the Baptist

Plague?
No
Then ...?
It's the back ...
Famine?
Well, the ...
Locusts, Flood, Fiery Destruction?
No, my mouth ... it's the back ...
...
Coca Cola (gasp)!
Yes ... well, I didn't ...
We must dunk you child!

When I'd've preferred nothing

Unscripted epitaphs

He was S-A-D and A-V-E-R-A-G-E ... what? ... I'm being honest!

Owed nothing, which is good, I 'spose ... what? ... oh yeah ... suppose ... hmm? ... yeah yeah, but that doesn't count ... uh ... no, he ... look, he ... I ... he returned ... not ... oh, for Christ's sake, I'm running out of space!

Never exploded.

Ran guns for the Taliban ... shut up, they'll get it.

Grew to dislike Bunnings (where I got this chisel).

A poem by Robert Frost

The Road Not Taken, 1920

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

What are they doing now?

Christopher Pyne's twitter:

Forgot my plastic comb!

Found one in Mrs Peterson-Smythe's bedside drawer. Between her bible and cigarettes. I'm attending a sing-a-long at the North Adelaide Centre for Demented Aristocrats.

George Brandis' twitter:

Ripped into an Asian shop attendant. Cited the Trade Practices Act. Two spring rolls at $1.50 each. I give her $5. She gives me $1.50 in change!

Told a primary school kid to tuck her shirt in. Cited the Public Nuisance Act. She started crying. Cited the Offensive Behaviour Act. She called for help. Gave her my card and cited the Get Over It Act (LOL).

Helped an old lady across the street. Cited the Good Samaritan Parable. She told me she voted Greens last November. Spat on her bonnet and cited the Self Defence Act.

Over coffee, a friend was sounding out middle names for his new boy. I said how about F--king Legacy Costs and cited the Welfare and Taxation Acts.

Ron Boswell's twitter:

Eating a pie.

And another ... these are good. Though the gravy's burnt my tongue, and some of it has dribbled on my pants, near the fly, which I haven't seen since the 60s (ROTFL).

One more. I can't stop!

I'm in the dunny now. Barnaby just texted me - he wants to know where I am. This kroger's for you old son!

Belinda Neal's twitter:

I'm giving up on this rock melon. The f--king thing broke my knife!

F--k!

Who was the c--t who sold me this piece of sh-t anyway! It's not RIPE!

Mogadon's kicked in. I'm going to watch Oprah now.

Malcolm Fraser's twitter:

I've often wondered about the interior of her majesty's bedroom (innocently, of course). What would her ceiling look like, for example?

Some gutter snipe just swore at my wife! Said she was a "hag" and a "traitor lover".

There really are too many adult book shops in this area (Mornington). They attract the wrong crowd.

Aneurysm

Dull hum
A beetle's walk
Blizzard of whittle sticks
Warm noodle aggregate
My brain
Infinitesimal carrier
Clumped dying knot
Sea sponge
A maze-like ooze-athon

Rosetta Keats

Traitor's Pass '47

Arnold

There round the dock goes Arnold,
elfin ears scanning
the morning's dark tide
on Cockatoo Island.

Walking over to the caisson,
kicking gently at its slot;
a high arm pointing out buds
of steam aft of the pumping station.

Everything as it should be,
zephyrs flashing on the brim
(his private joy); powerful suction
twisting the thickening brine

Down the scummy terraces
dawn workers pass my grandfather -
jockeying near the pit. A shouting match
ensues; bounty of doomed sea life
slithering on convict stone.

Fascist Rebirth

Oh dear, Robert Doyle is planning to eliminate "badly talented buskers" and "bogans" from the CBD. He also intends to re-open Swanston st to traffic.

In a 3AW interview, he explained that he will train a squad of South Yarra tattle-tales to patrol the streets of the city judging the talent of its buskers. These women will also assess whether any smelly or dishevelled pedestrians they encounter are bogans. If an individual is deemed to be a bogan, they will be arrested, taken to the newly-established Bourke st police station, beaten with rolled-up David Jones catalogues, and have the word "BOGAN" tattooed on their forehead.

While listening to Doyle's description of Stasiland Melbourne-style, Neil Mitchell was reported to have involuntarily ejaculated in his trousers.